However, like most good things, altruism can be distorted or taken to an unhealthy extreme. The thought-provoking concept of pathological altruism is a term coined by Barbara Oakley, an engineer and educator who compiled and edited evidence-based research in her 2012 book Pathological Altruism, showing that altruism has the potential to be harmful, sometimes extraordinarily so, to both the giver and the receiver.

Unlike healthy altruism, pathological altruism is often driven by an intense need for validation and self-esteem. It is characterised by an extreme and unhealthy sense of responsibility for others’ well-being, often at the expense of one’s own. An individual under the grips of pathological altruism may feel compelled to help others, even when it is not in the best interest of the receiver or themselves. This can lead to a range of negative consequences for both parties.

Enter burnout

A prime example is when pathological altruism manifests itself in the work environment serving as a striking example of its detrimental effects. Often driven by a fear of negative perceptions, individuals may carry an overwhelming number of responsibilities, leading to eventual burnout, exhaustion, and a diminished ability to effectively do their job. In their pursuit of helping others, they may inadvertently neglect their own career growth and personal aspirations.

The root of the problem lies in the struggle to confront, tolerate and manage the anxiety and negative emotions that arise when prioritising one's own needs and establishing healthy boundaries.

Failure to address and reduce the anxiety and negative emotions associated with setting boundaries can result in brewing resentment, frustration, passive aggressive behaviour and a profound loss of fulfilment and purpose. It’s important to note that the consequences go beyond the individual, and often create a toxic environment for everyone around them. 

Pathological altruism or the less charged term unhealthy altruism, can have devastating consequences, as it often stems from deep-rooted conditioning and a strong desire for validation.

Let's consider Jennifer, a dedicated employee at a bustling marketing agency. Due to societal expectations and her own upbringing, Jennifer struggled to say no or set boundaries with her co-workers and boss. She genuinely wanted to help others, but her fear of disapproval and rejection led her to take on an overwhelming workload, neglecting her own well-being and personal life in the process.

As the days passed, Jennifer found herself increasingly exhausted and overwhelmed, and her attempts to cope with these feelings resulted in destructive behaviours and unpredictable moods that affected the entire workplace. It's crucial to approach Jennifer's situation with compassion and understanding, recognising that she is most likely conditioned to behave like this by others who were also conditioned to behave like this.

A conditioning that could possibly have been passed on for many generations. By addressing these underlying issues and promoting the importance of self-care and healthy boundaries, we can help individuals like Jennifer heal, while creating a more supportive work environment for everyone involved.

Setting boundaries

Establishing healthy boundaries is important not just towards others, but also extending compassion and humanity towards oneself, safeguarding against self-exploitation. It is essential to acknowledge and honour our own humanity and resist the societal conditioning that often glorifies sacrificing personal needs for the sake of others, perpetuating the false expectation of receiving recognition and rewards. In reality, these selfless acts rarely yield such accolades; instead, they pave the way for burnout and diminished self-esteem.

Recognising the pitfalls of altruism and cultivating a mindset that embraces self-care and the setting of healthy boundaries is crucial for individual well-being and long-term success in the workplace. By honouring our own needs and limitations, we can foster a healthier and more sustainable approach to altruism, thereby promoting personal growth, contentment, and a sense of genuine fulfilment. 

Healthy forms of altruism

In contrast, healthy altruism involves setting healthy boundaries, knowing when to say no, and recognising one's own limitations, such as intense feelings of guilt when setting healthy boundaries. It also involves taking care of one’s own well-being and needs, so that one can continue to help others in the long run. Healthy altruism can lead to a sense of fulfilment, purpose, and joy.

For example, imagine a person who volunteers at a local food bank on weekends. They enjoy helping others, but they also make sure to prioritise their own self-care and personal goals. They recognise that they cannot help others effectively if they are not taking care of themselves first. In this scenario, the person’s actions are not harming anyone, but rather making a positive impact in the world while also taking care of their own needs.

Keeping tabs on yourself

While both pathological and healthy altruism involve helping others, they have vastly different outcomes. Pathological altruism can be harmful and destructive, while healthy altruism is beneficial and rewarding. It is essential to recognise the difference between the two and strive for healthy altruism in our own lives, so that we can make a positive impact in the world without sacrificing our own well-being.

These issues can be particularly challenging for women raised to be good girls or those who have spent years prioritising the care of their children, like mothers. One of the main symptoms for these women is that they experience intense anxiety if they don’t prioritise other people's needs. Oftentimes the pathological behaviour is so automatic they themselves are unaware of their own active part in it.

If you feel that you are struggling with pathological altruism, co-dependency or even burnout syndrome the first line of defence is to learn how to ground yourself and put yourself at ease when you are experiencing symptoms. Fortunately, today, there are a great many ways to better yourself.

Finding a great therapist would of course be ideal but you could also start this journey free of charge by downloading a free app on your phone like Insight Timer, or something similar, and listen to one of the +15,000 free guided meditations they offer. Listening to a soothing voice calming you down and reassuring your self-worth can be exactly what you need…particularly in the middle of the night when there is no one else to call. 

If you feel ready to try Integrative Therapy. I offer a 30-min free consultation to address your needs and how I can help with the treatment I offer. You can contact me to set up a free phone consultation here. You can read more about me, how I work and my qualifications here.