Creating a startup requires a high degree of commitment, drive, and (dare I say it) a sprinkling of arrogance. To pull it off you need the self-belief to both imagine and birth something. It’s a bet on yourself and your co-founder partnership that you can pull this off and this bet has a natural shadow.

This shadow is a habit of "talking at” not “talking to” each other. When you are listening in, you can tell that it is not a conversation: it is a series on statements masquerading as a conversation. Each person is more focused on getting their point across than hearing what their co-founder has to say. David Kantor describes this unhelpful pattern as “point-counterpoint”: a series of individual monologues, which feel like trading blows in a boxing match. Each person is lobbing in opinions without any sense of moving forward or reaching a conclusion.

In truth neither party is listening to the other and so neither party is really being heard. “The great enemy of communication, we find, is the illusion of it,” wrote William H. Whyte in 1950 and this wisdom remains true today. Co-founders often say to me, “our conversations go around in circles” and that is because this “talking at” pattern creates the illusion of communication, which is the root of their conflict. But because co-founders are working at such a frenetic pace, and it’s an ingrained habit, they can’t see this pattern for what it is.

In my experience the best definition of communication is, “the transfer of understanding from one party to another,” and that means doing far more than talking at each other. It means really listening, a skill that seems so easy and yet is so rarely done well. For many co-founders, listening is actually just thinking about what you are going to say next, and waiting for your co-founder to breathe so you can jump in! That isn’t listening.

Often quoted by Brene Brown, psychologist Harriet Lerner argues that: “To listen with the same passion with which we want to be heard.” This means taking a deep breath, feeling your feet on the ground, listening to what they have to say and then pausing. Resist the temptation to jump in with what is in your head. Avoid the assumption that you already know what they think and get in to touch with your curiosity about what they think, and why they think it. Focus solely on your co-founder and what they have to say. By creating this space, you will often find they have more to say. Allow a solid silence before you respond.

This is the type of listening that allows co-founder partnerships to win. This is the best New Year’s resolution you can make for your startup this year. Give your co-founder time to think and leave space for them to finish thinking.

A startup has to imagine something into being. I am reminded that Time to Think author Nancy Kline argues that the quality of everything we do depends on the quality of the thinking that we do first. So this gift of listening will improve the quality of your thinking with each other for the benefit of your business.

It sounds easy and it isn’t. Because in this fast paced world, it means slowing down. Make a New Year’s resolution to practice and experiment and see what becomes possible.  

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