I’ve spent over 25 years working in corporate human resources and executive coaching, and I’ve seen it over and over again, high-achieving, mission-driven leaders who begin to lose themselves inside the very roles they worked so hard to earn. Somewhere along the way, their worth becomes tangled with results. Their identity fuses with performance. And their sense of self quietly drifts.

The truth is, you can be brilliant, successful, and well-intentioned, and still become disconnected from who you really are.

The leadership trap no one warned you about

Leadership often demands presence, decisiveness, and vision. But in the whirlwind of scale, speed, and expectations, many founders and executives unconsciously shift into survival mode. Their nervous systems are constantly on high alert, fuelled by pressure, people-pleasing, perfectionism, or a fear of failing the team.

When you're in that state, it’s easy to start performing instead of leading. You start saying what you think people want to hear. You hold back vulnerability to appear composed. You show up polished but disconnected. Eventually, you may look successful on the outside, but feel hollow or fractured on the inside.

I know, because I’ve been there.

From overfunctioning to alignment

There was a time in my career where I was the go-to problem solver, the one who could push through anything. I prided myself on being strong, strategic and calm, until my body and spirit said otherwise. I was chronically dysregulated. Exhausted. Out of alignment.

That wake-up call led me into a deeper exploration of what sustainable leadership really requires, and the answer wasn’t more performance or productivity. It was regulation.

Not emotional suppression. Not work-life balance. But true nervous system regulation: the ability to stay steady, grounded, and present in the face of pressure.

When I began integrating that into my leadership and coaching, everything changed. Not just for me, but for the leaders I supported. They began leading from a place of clarity, not chaos. From authenticity, not armour.

Regulated leadership starts within

At its core, nervous system regulation is about building internal steadiness. It's the capacity to stay connected to yourself, even when things get messy. And it’s the foundation of congruent, values-aligned leadership.

When you're regulated:

• You respond instead of react
• You can hold space for hard conversations without shutting down or lashing out
• You build trust not just through words, but through your energy and presence
• You lead from who you are, not just what you do

And perhaps most importantly, you remember that you are a human being, not just a leader.

How to return to yourself

If any of this resonates, you’re not alone. And you’re not broken. You may just be disconnected from your core self, and there is a way back. Here are a few invitations to help you begin that return:

1. Check in, not just out

Instead of waiting for burnout to hit, create intentional moments in your week to pause and ask: Am I acting from my values, or from fear? Am I regulated, or just pushing through?

2. Notice your nervous system cues

Tight chest. Short breath. Irritability. Numbness. These are all signals that your system might be dysregulated. Awareness is the first step toward regulation.

3. Redefine recovery as leadership

Recovery isn’t a luxury, it’s a leadership strategy. Your clarity, decision-making, and creativity depend on it. Rest is not the reward for doing enough. It’s the foundation that allows you to lead with sustainability.

4. Lead with identity, not image

Get clear on who you are beyond your title. Your core values, your inner voice, your purpose. Let that be what drives you, not just the metrics or market expectations.

You don’t have to lose yourself to lead

Leadership doesn’t have to cost you your peace or your identity. You can lead from a place of calm authority and authentic presence. You can build companies and cultures that are driven, yes, but also deeply human.

It starts with the courage to slow down. To get curious about what’s running the show internally. And to realise that the strongest leaders aren’t the ones who hold it all together, but the ones who learn to stay grounded through it all.

Because when you lead from a regulated, authentic place, you don’t just perform.

You create real impact.

And you stay connected to who you were always meant to be.

For more startup news, check out the other articles on the website, and subscribe to the magazine for free. Listen to The Cereal Entrepreneur podcast for more interviews with entrepreneurs and big-hitters in the startup ecosystem.