Why do leaders who are emotionally literate operate differently?

As a society, we value logic, the intellect and the conceptual over emotional literacy. However, as emotional, not rational beings, having the self-awareness and recognition of our own feelings and knowing how to manage them is integral to being an effective and humane leader, as well as thriving in all aspects of life (see How Emotions Are Made by Lisa Feldman Barrett for neuroscientific evidence).

So as a leader, how emotionally literate are you? As you ask yourself this question, it is important to stay open and curious and be non-judgemental.

Being emotionally literate means that we are able to clearly state what we are feeling as we are feeling it. We then convey information rather than an opinion.

Saying ‘I’m feeling annoyed’ or ‘I’m feeling anxious’ states a fact about your current internal experience, not an opinion. Saying: “I feel you are not supporting me”, or “I feel like nobody listens to me”, or “I feel everyone is judging me” are perceptions, interpretations, or opinions.

As leaders, knowing and stating our feelings is crucial for rapport building and for others to feel they can do the same. But depending on the organisational culture (safe, humane, trusting vs toxic) showing and sharing our feelings is not always easy, because we fear being judged as weak or ineffective. So we put on a brave face and mask how we really are which cuts us off from ourselves and others.

Emotional Literacy (EL) is a key element of Emotional Intelligence (EQ) – the ability to feel and know your own emotions and understand the emotions of people around you. The five key elements to Emotional Intelligence are self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills.

Living organisational life mainly from the head – rationalising everything rather than sensing what is happening in our bodies or between ourselves and our colleagues – keeps us at arm’s length from living fully. By doing so, we cut ourselves off from the very things that bring meaning and connection to our relationships.

Robert Masters, American psychotherapist, said: “We exist through relationship, and the more emotionally literate we are, the deeper and happier our relationships – with our colleagues, peers, partner, children, friends – and therefore the happier we will be.”

Being able to say what we are feeling helps us to see and understand others better and what’s going on for them. It helps us to be empathic, to understand and share the feelings of another.

While certain cognitive abilities (IQ) remain relatively stable in rank throughout adulthood, Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is highly adaptable. Because of neuroplasticity, our brains are not stuck with their initial ‘wiring’. Through intentional practice and application, we can forge and form new neural pathways, allowing us to develop greater emotional literacy and resilience over time.

Emotionally literate leaders operate differently because:

• they are self-aware
• they know their emotions, can feel and show them as well as emotionally self-regulate
• they are able to empathise
• they have social skills such as rapport building, asking open questions, listening, being other regarding, conversational turn taking
• they are self-motivated

When we practice these skills the quality of our relationships changes: employees can feel safe, dignified and trusting.

Dr. Lani Shiota, professor of social psychology at Arizona State University, supports this. She sees emotions as a relational force. Rather than sorting emotions into ‘good’ and ‘bad’, she invites us to consider a different distinction: whether an emotion pulls us toward a ‘me’ orientation or a ‘we’ orientation.

The ‘me’ versions are more likely to be distancing, and the ‘we’ versions are more likely to be connecting. This is a reframe that feels immediately recognisable in the body. The difference between a tightening into self-protection and an opening toward something shared (from Shiota’s presentation at The Mind & Life Summer Research Institute Summit, 2026).

As leaders, how can we become more emotionally literate?

Here are four steps. Yes, they take dedication and perseverance but the pay-off is huge.

1. Identify not what you are thinking but what you are feeling

If you are feeling fearful, simply notice that without getting caught up in the content of you feeling fearful (why you are feeling fearful) and possibly judging yourself for it. If you are feeling a mix of emotions, and it’s not clear what’s in the mix, simply notice the mix. What does it feel like? Confused, tight, unsettled…

If you are not sure what you are feeling, ask yourself: Am I feeling upset? Am I feeling angry? Am I feeling confused? Am I feeling doubtful? Am I feeling excited? Am I feeling afraid? Am I feeling uncomfortable? Usually, you get a yes, no or maybe.

If you are still not sure what you are feeling, go a bit deeper and notice the general felt sense, even if it is numbness, and notice the bodily sensations. All emotions are held in the body and can therefore be felt.

For example, tightness or tension in the belly and shoulders, shallow breathing in the chest. This means withdrawing your attention from your thinking process. There is nothing to figure out or analyse here, no need to ask your mind what you are feeling. What you are feeling is right here in the body.

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2. Directly say what you are feeling

Simply describing what you are feeling and what’s going on for you without any tangent, drama or ‘shoulds’.

At first, this might feel clunky and unfamiliar because we are not used to describing our own experience without blaming self or others.

Remember to use ‘I’ language. I feel, I experience…

3. Make sure you really hear what the other is saying

This means that you are not only hearing the factual nature of what your staff member or colleague is saying but also feeling it.

This is where empathy comes in. Really hear what the other is saying and then feel it as though you were in the other person’s skin. You don’t have to agree with everything that the other person is saying.

4. Get into the detail without losing touch

This is possibly the most difficult step in becoming more emotionally literate.

Make your connection primary, and working out the content and details of what you are talking about secondary. Sharing what’s going on emotionally – saying what you are feeling – prevents emotional overwhelm even if it feels counterintuitive. Feelings want to be felt.

What’s exciting about becoming more emotionally literate is that we also increase our Moral Intelligence (MQ), because the more we can feel our own emotions and empathise with what’s going on for others in the organisation, the more likely we are to want to treat them better. And this again increases connection, as well as fosters belonging, engagement and creativity. Vital ingredients for healthy and successful organisations.

Key takeaway

Leading purely from the head cuts us off from our people, team and organisation. True leadership requires the courage to identify and name your actual feelings, creating a safe environment where others can do the same, ultimately developing better, more constructive and satisfying workplace relationships.